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Respect The Santa - 10 Presents Every Runner Needs

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Matt Beardshall, author of Coast to Coast, has been described as “the runner’s runner”. Here’s his unique take on life on the run.
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Respect The Santa - 10 Presents Every Runner Needs

respectthestupidity
11 Dec 2011 9:22 AM
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It’s always so difficult to think of nice things to write on your present list to send up the chimney to Santa, and harder still to think what to buy that special runner in your life. Well, let me help.
 
Here are the top ten things that every runner should be wishing to find in their stocking on Christmas morning, presented in the order they might be needed. I hope you’ve been good boys and girls…
 
1) Some Toe Nail Clippers
You don’t want to be like me and keep your toenails in a presentation box on the mantle piece. Especially if they are black! (Unless, of course, you are a Goth!)
 
The best place for toenails is on the end of your toes. Keep them there by good maintenance. If they get too long they hammer the front of your running shoes, go black, hurt and drop off. This isn’t attractive when wearing your open toed stiletto heels at the New Year’s party. Trust me, I know!
 
 
2) A big jar of Vaseline
One word – Friction! Another word - Chafing! It sounds like it should hurt, and it does.
 
When you run, things rub. And the further you run the more they rub. Friction abounds - feet in shoes, inner thighs, armpits; they all suffer. And by the time you feel the first sting the damage is done.
 
Somehow this always occurs when you are still several miles from home, you have no mobile phone and you’ve given the chauffeur the day off.
 
A bit of the greasy stuff lathered into sensitive areas before you go for that extra-long training session prevents the blood-curdling, horror-movie screams as you stand under the shower after the run.
 
 
3) Gloves and a hat
By ‘eck it’s getting cold outside, and extremities suffer. The middle age ‘solar panel’ I have developed on the top of my head where hair once flowed seems to radiate lots of heat into the atmosphere (If I get any balder I could be cited as a cause of climate change).
 
There’s no need to stop running outside though. A good lightweight hat and pair of gloves, specifically designed for running, will help keep you toasty warm and frostbite-free until the ice retreats and the leaves reappear.
 
 
4) A head-torch
Unless you live somewhere south of Marrakech, at this time of year you’ve probably got about 25-minutes of daylight (if that) in which to squeeze your run. The solution is to take your own daylight with you.
 
Lightweight and efficient, and nothing like an archaic ‘miner’s lamp’, a good head-torch will enable you to run even your favourite off-road forest trails in the middle of winter’s darkness.
 
Ok, so maybe not the most fashionable thing down the King’s Road, and not entirely essential for the street-lit, urban pavement-pounder, but think of all the other times one would come in handy.
 
5) A bottle of Matey bubble bath
You’ve survived the run, avoided hypothermia, and worked off the leftover turkey and chips. It’s time to get cleaned off. Why should the kids have all the bath-time fun?
 
If you are going to defrost in the tub, give it a good squirt of Matey first, and enjoy the bubbles while you sooth all the aching bits. And check out the Matey website for plenty of ideas for bath time fun.
 
6) An enormous bar of chocolate
Soaking in the bath? Let’s indulge! After the run you need to refill your energy stores. Complex carbohydrates are the food of choice before your run, but after it simple carbs have been shown to be effective in quickly replenishing muscle glycogen. Now’s the time to break into that huge bar of chocolate! Lay back, relax and enjoy it, guilt-free.
 
 
7) A good running book
A long soak in the bath with some chocolate! Round off the total relaxing experience with a good read. There are many great running books out there that entertain, inspire and motivate. Some are instruction manuals; others recount tales of derring-do and general running stupidity. But of course, the ones that should be on everybody’s Christmas list are “Life on the Run; Coast to Coast”, and "Run Like Hell", by some bloke called Matt Beardshall. According to the reviews on Amazon (check them out) these books also appeal to the non-runner. So your long-suffering ‘running widow/widower’ can also enjoy them.
 
8) A bottle of New Skin Liquid Bandage
But what’s this? Bath time foot inspection has revealed a small blister (use a bit more of that vaseline next time). No problem. Simply pop the blister with a flame-sterilised needle, drain it, and paint Liquid Bandage over it. It may sting for a minute or so, but it won’t give you any more trouble, even during your next run. One tip though. DON’T paint it onto chafed inner thighs, as a friend’s lady partner did. It sounded almost like that scene from Deliverance – “I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig…”
 
9) A photo-shoot voucher
You’ve been doing all that running, your skin is smooth and soft and your body is trim and flooded with endorphins. MMMmmmmmm, you’re looking mighty fine, and feeling mighty fine to boot. What you need right now is a professional photo-shoot to capture the moment, with your svelte, athletic physique looking just like you stepped from the cover of Cosmopolitan / Hello / Runners World / Men’s Health / Viz / Tractor Weekly (delete as appropriate!).
 
 
10) An entry to New York Marathon
You didn’t think that all you were worth this Christmas was some cheap grooming products, a bar of dairy milk, a paperback and a couple of narcissistic photos did you? I’ve saved the best until last. What you really really need is a trip to New York, including an entry to the New York Marathon. How nice would it be to spend a few days in the Big Apple, seeing the sights, taking a helicopter ride around the Statue of Liberty, catching a Broadway show and running the best big city marathon in the world (sorry London, but that’s my opinion)? As the race is on the first Sunday in November, not only have you got the best part of a year to train but you can do next year’s Christmas shopping in Macey’s or Bloomingdale’s. Fantastic!
 
I hope Santa brings you it all, and that you have a very happy Christmas.
 
Respect The Santa.
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Comments
  • therunningdan
    11 Dec 2011 10:50 AM

    Matey Bubblebath! Brilliant present idea, just the thought of it has taken me back 25 years!

  • Daft B
    11 Dec 2011 10:54 AM

    :o) I may be married to the victim of the Liquid Skin. Appears I find it funnier than she did and requests for her to "do the Liquid skin dance again" are met with a frosty reception.

  • respectthestupidity
    11 Dec 2011 2:56 PM

    Do you remember the song, Dan....."Matey's a bottle of fun, you squirt me in the bath, I'm loved by everyone, and always good for a laugh" Sad, I Know!!

    I was unsure whether to mention Mrs Daft B as being the 'thigh liquid skin dancer' but you've done it for me:-)

  • liewal
    11 Dec 2011 3:50 PM

    Printed off and discreetly put where the Stellas reside :-)

  • Adam
    12 Dec 2011 10:42 AM

    Good list - I'm sure we can come up with a few more!

  • Daft B
    12 Dec 2011 11:21 AM

    a magic injury fixing wand?

  • BatRunt
    14 Dec 2011 9:18 AM

    can heartily recommend the mentioned books... even though i'm not mentioned in them :(

  • respectthestupidity
    14 Dec 2011 2:32 PM

    Thanks, Batty. And you'll definitely be in the final part of the trilogy - as soon as Mrs RTS gives me the laptop back and lets me get writing again.

  • Daft B
    15 Dec 2011 2:54 PM

    Battie - how about your own tome, charting your return to form in 2012. I think you may have copyright troubles with "Batrunt: The Dark Knight returns" title so what about "Batrunt: like a pheonix from the ashes!"?